| the end...ish |
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| 04:56pm 19/10/2004 |
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mood:  free music: Photek - Ren 2
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This is my last entry, so I figured I'd make it official. I haven't written in a while, so I guess I could've just let it die away, but I'm just announcing my retirement from lj to whoever in the livejournal community cares to know.
I'll update this once and beyond that, if you wanna contact me, you can surely do it in a much more efficient manner. I have found how much I hate livejournal, the time for leaving it is long past due.
If all goes as I would like, I will hopefully be spending my entire senior year in Germany as an exchange student. Not that I won't miss some of you if I do, but this is what I've wanted to do for a while now so yay.
I'm bitchy and happy and doing well as can be expected. Yay again.
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
It didn't last long.
Love,
Rachel |
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| *updates like holy fuck |
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| 06:09pm 19/09/2004 |
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mood:  good music: Junkie XL - Beauty Never Fades (courtesy of Sasha)
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Allo.
So... there was that thing last night. That being homecoming. Anyway. Um.
I am going to post positive things because... that seems like a better idea than the alternative.
First... I was all old-fashioned-ish and it pleased me due to my fetish of late, Faye was wearing a dress (*cue happy laugh), Suvy was punk-rock, I got a corsage (that is a first), Lauren too was wearing a dress, good tipsy times and the limo ride kicked fucking ass (I realized that wasn't the first time I got pulled over actually), I got to drink coke from champagne glasses, homecoming looked like a giant box-shaped warehouse (hm... maybe that's not a positive comment, whatever), everyone looked very snazzy, I got to run around barefoot and no one stepped on my feet, I got to shuffle-dance with Lauren and Faye, Sasha did the coolest dance ever, mm I got to see Kate!, Kat was really fun and more restrained than I expected actually, Ima was really nice and danced very cool as well, I ended up being able to talk and possibly work things out with Jewstah without everyone killing me for doing so, Becca was really sweet and made me happy, Kristin was so understanding considering I was a very bad date, Suvy talked in an Australian accent, everyone was all together in the limo ride home and at least were decent to eachother. That made me happy. We went to McDonald's in a limo which just kicked ass, Jayme and Suvy worked out their thing, I got to dip fries in a milkshake, and then we hung out back at Suvy's which was just... really good.
So there. After looking at all that, couldn't you almost say it was a good night? |
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| It is to [edit]. |
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| 04:18pm 03/09/2004 |
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Heh nevermind that.
I
[can't]
give
up.
And I'd rather give in.
Es tut mir ein bisschen traurig.
-Liederhosen- |
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| 04:30pm 26/08/2004 |
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mood:  fucked out music: Guess, fucker.
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"...And oh no.
She's getting wasted again
Imagine that
Hooked on saving face
What are you thinking?
What are you doing here?
You pretend you're safe inside
But I know what no one knows
We're the same
Undefined by you
as you're living through my eyes.
...Always living through my eyes."
- Saving Faces-Orgy
Imagine that. |
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| Fish |
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| 02:09pm 21/08/2004 |
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mood:  crushed music: pretty rain
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Goddamn I love you.
gr... please understand.
I love you.
And don't think that doesn't apply to you. |
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| Love and all that that entails. |
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| 11:14pm 13/08/2004 |
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mood:  tender
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Making slaves is very different from making friends…
If you’re too busy caught up in seeing how you’re continually being selfless for others, you don’t see what they’re doing or trying to do for you. Be understanding. Maybe unconditional love isn’t enough. No, it is. But you have to understand what that implies. Many people never experience real love. That’s why it’s so rare. Because it’s so completely not understood. For it to be understood by all involved is all the more rare. Wesley loved Buttercup, right? And supposedly their love was pure and beautiful. In the end, yes, maybe it was. But it took his death for her to realize what she was doing to him. As in, she finally realized how superficial her “love” was in comparison to Wesley, who went to the ends of the world for her. He actually DID everything for her. But those who don’t participate in love that way find it hard to see in themselves. Everyone has difficulty seeing their real faults. I know because this is directed at least partially to myself. It’s so much easier to look at yourself and say “I’m ugly, I’m fat.” not “I don’t understand myself, I use people, and I am incapable of love.” Wouldn’t you say? Then if you do happen to realize the problem and admit to it, you can use your friends and have them tell you “No, you’re not a shitty person, you’re a beautiful person.” But do they know you? Not at all. In most people, no one knows you but yourself. Your actions don’t define who you are no matter what anyone says. If everyone’s soul is beautiful, everyone is ugly on the surface. Please don’t disregard me as doing just what everyone else is. Love is never asking for anything in return. And if love goes both ways you co-exist in a way most people don’t even dream. Because you are INCESSANTLY giving and being fulfilled without needing to ask for anything. Can you see that? Can I? Who am I to say. Love is so selfless, that’s why it’s so beautiful and misunderstood. Are most of us even capable of that? I think so, but it takes so much. And as it’s said, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. It’s not a matter of deluding yourself into thinking you love someone, anyone. Just saying means nothing because anyone can say it and most everyone does.
“Since you’ve never done it, you can never know it. But it’s as vital as breath.” -Mary
Whatever you believe… love is very real, love is very beautiful, love is very vital. And it’s something so many of us will never really know. Are you ok with that?
Say what you want, say what you need. I have. and I hope that at least meant something. This was maybe more for me than anyone else. Either way, I’m just glad I have gotten to a point where I can maybe say something meaningful rather than just to hurt someone else who doesn’t deserve it.
So in a way, this was for me, for everyone.
Love,
Rachel |
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| I'm allowed to be idealistic |
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| 11:10pm 09/08/2004 |
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mood:  gentle music: ragnarok music
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It's not that hard to get along.
Try it just a little.
You might just be better off.
Teenage phases are an excuse, don't let them control you.
I'm not preaching... more like begging. Try not to think less of me for it, just because I'm feeling gentle. |
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| 10:57pm 07/08/2004 |
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mood:  incredible music: assuredly tatu, renewed obsession (cue sigh)
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I almost decided to delete my livejournal account. For incredibly obvious reasons. I hope you all realize what this shitty thing is DOING. haha, no but it serves purposes occaisonally. Actually, I dunno if you can delete accounts, but I was going to completely dicontinue usage. It's been interesting.
I won't bore you with enigmatia. Because it doesn't mean much to anything but me. ...and a very select few others. But totally deviated from being meaningful, I have movie addictions. You realize, I enjoy compleeetely immersing myself in movies far too much. I can in some way enjoy practically any movie that I see. Except for Ebb Tide, but I doubt I'd hate that so much if I hadn't been, what, say, 7 when I saw it. Scarring, sorta. And then there are movies that can't keep up the illusion and seduce you into them. Which, if they can't do that to me, just means they must suck. Lately, I have been addicted to Braveheart. I cannot FUCKING get enough of that movie. I hope you realize how fucking awesome (look at me spell that right for once) and poignant that movie is. Cuz if you don't, fuck you. Because the raw emotion in that movie fucking enthralls me.
Well, I wanted to talk about something meaningful, self-discovery, epiphanies, etc. but I just went on about my movie fetish.
(I always have had a flair for beauty...)
Congratulations again, Ra, on your ability to say what you mean. |
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| immer was kann ich fur dich tun... |
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| 06:31pm 01/08/2004 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: gr... the name eludes me
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Look, I'm just trying to be heard so don't bash me for doing so.
Before I get into anything serious...
"Such open hostility to religion must not be tolerated," Carden said.
Heh, an actual quote from some stupid fuck cuz he wasn't allowed to have his bible study at a library. It's not so much why he said it but what he said. It "must not be tolerated"?
But anyway, look... goddamn. Have any of you heard of empathy? I realize sympathy for the ignorant only goes so far, but simple criticism DOESN'T GET THE FUCKING JOB DONE. Don't be so self-righteous. That's not what this is about. Some people only want a place to spout about their angst. Some people only know their wants. And they are OK with that. I'm as prone to becoming lost in self as anyone. Maybe I just have a different approach, maybe I'm just not in complete awareness. I accept that. But... tough love doesn't work. deal with it and work with it. And, if you somehow can: care. There's more to it. Maybe there IS only one way... but right now I don't see that. Being cold and detached goes nowhere.
edit: I'm sorry if the post sounded like condemnation. I'm just frustrated. |
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| YOU MUST GO HERE |
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| 11:00am 31/07/2004 |
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www.ean.co.uk/Willagesby/Farmer_Childs/html/awl_is_sayfly_gavard_in_.htm
fucking fucking FUCKING hilarious. don't ask me how i found it.
Awl is sayfly gavard in! |
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| 12:25pm 17/07/2004 |
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mood: demused
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i'm updating cuz i FUCKING CAN again.
ok i'm not getting anything out of this. i should be back within the next couple weeks. yay. or something. |
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| magnanimous |
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| 06:28pm 10/07/2004 |
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mood: overbounding with happiness
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I just wanted to say thank you.
I couldn't ask for anything more. |
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| as opposed to nothing |
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| 09:32pm 09/07/2004 |
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mood: detachedly resentful
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so i'm feeling rather autonomous. controlled and disemboweled maybe... so scratch that.
i miss everyone too. good to know people care. hoo ray. i dunno when i'm coming back i really don't know what's going on. at least i've been writing a lot while i'm here which i haven't been doing so much at home.
oy... but anyway i have internet access it turns out, so that is good. only when i get off duty, but it works.
i don't feel like writing anything even vaguely meaningful. ...i'm not even sure why i have an lj right about now. oh well. sad state of affairs. random fetishes. child-like noninnocence.
right... i'm gonna go. i just felt like posting. for the sake of posting. because i so have that power now. |
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| 12:58pm 20/06/2004 |
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mood: scared to death music: "creepy" music... wait nevermind, distorted fucking music
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scare me.
thinking things through is a bitch. crushed to death by a beautiful wooden ferris wheel. the moments before were the happiest of my life. |
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| screening screams for content |
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| 05:27pm 13/06/2004 |
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mood:  complacent music: ragnarok music
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ok so i update entirely too often.
i won't be as much starting tomorrow considering i'm leaving for florida. check it out.
My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?
heh heh, my life is rated r. yay for me. so anyway i probably should go pack. have to bring half my room with me cuz i'm gonna be gone for so long. and thus, you poor souls (or many of you) will be cut off from my life for a time. i'm sure you are all so disappointed. whatever. i'm dead at the moment and mildly amused so i'm gonna go. have a good summer all, i'll see some of you next year. oh right... and if for some reason anyone needs to contact me desperately (i can't imagine) you can email me i guess but i don't know what the internet situation will be in florida. so buh bye for now. |
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| The Finer Things In Life |
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| 03:33pm 13/06/2004 |
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mood:  groggy music: random james bond songs... oy...
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“Well, I realized that I should be thankful for the finer things in life.”
“Oh? Like what, Mrs. Binfry?”
“Like tea parties on Thursday afternoons. I couldn’t very well enjoy those if I didn’t have I tongue now could I?”
“No I suppose not, Mrs. Binfry.”
“And my social club on Tuesdays with the girls from church. I couldn’t very well speak my mind without vocal chords.”
“Well, I can’t say you could, Mrs. Binfry.”
“Not to mention my daily naps. I couldn’t participate in those without a subconscious!”
“I guess not. But Mrs. Binfry…”
“Not now, Thomas, I’m on a roll. Now where was I?”
“Your subconscious, Mrs. Binfry.”
“Right you are, dear boy. To continue with what I was saying, there is also the matter of sex. Why, that wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable without nerve endings.”
“Mrs. Binfry-”
“Please stop interrupting, Thomas, I’m trying to make a valid point.”
“And what would that be, Mrs. Binfry?”
“That you should savor the control you have over bowel movements. You lose that when you get older.”
“… Thank you, Mrs. Binfry.”
The lovely conversations of Thomas and Mrs. Binfry. i don't know why i create conversations between people I make up when i have nothing better to do. it's rather fun, though. |
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